


something i could never have

by HollyTheFluffyCat



Series: to have and to hold [1]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, God this is sad, Heavy Angst, Hugs, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Insecurity, M/M, Not Beta Read, Touch-Starved, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, actually question mark after unrequited love, for now tho have this angst, might make a follow up that makes it requited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24749644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollyTheFluffyCat/pseuds/HollyTheFluffyCat
Summary: He knew he was a fool for this, but Zuko had never wanted anything, anyone more than the boy standing on the other side of the door.
Relationships: Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Series: to have and to hold [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1789705
Comments: 30
Kudos: 196





	something i could never have

**Author's Note:**

> mind the tags!!! there is fluff for all of like two paragraphs the rest is just pure angst!!
> 
> angst makes me feel alive babey so I’m here to torture our favorite fire child, this is mostly me projecting so the characterization is a lil off but o well

Zuko wasn't expecting the knock at his door.

He was in the middle of reviewing some propositions the Earth Kingdom had asked for, trade deals and whatnot. At least, Zuko was doing that before he started zoning out, and right then, three knocks in perfect succession snapped in out of his reverie. Eyes narrowed into slits, he gestured at his guards to check who the hell wanted to bother the Fire Lord himself at almost midnight. But right before they made it to the door, a small muffled voice called out."Zuko? You there?" 

Zuko froze, tense as a drawn bow, as he slowly lifted his hand to stop the guards and quietly said: "You all can leave for the night, I'll talk to him." They hesitated, mainly because most of them had no idea who the hell Zuko was referring to, but all of them eventually left, the back door clicking shut softly. He sighed, standing up and striding to the door, pulling off the locks and tugging it open wearily.

"Sokka." He said, voice thin. The water-tribe warrior looked the same, like always. It had been only two or so years since Ozai had been defeated, two or so years since the group had parted ways, and yet Sokka still remained constant. His hair was always tied up in his familiar wolf tail, his pale ice eyes always shining the same way, his smile always tilting at the edges, and he was constant.

Sokka grinned at him, looking so cheery despite the fact that right about now was the time when most people were asleep. "Zuko! It's been a while." Before he could even blink, Sokka pulled him into a tight hug, and Zuko's breath hitched, going stock still before slowly wrapping his arms around Sokka as well.

They stood there for a while, wrapped in each other's arms in the cool air of the night, fitting together like puzzle pieces. Sokka's breath ghosted his ear as he whispered "I missed you, man." Zuko felt his blood turn to ice and he shivered, the cool air suddenly feeling frigid. Fuck. For only a moment, he allowed himself to play into his fantasies, let himself believe the water-tribe warrior, and he quietly murmured back "I missed you too."

Finally, Sokka pulled back, a smile still on his face but much softer around the edges. "So, are you gonna invite me in or what?" He tilted his head playfully, and Zuko nodded stiltedly, stepping back. "Do you...do you want to go to my room?" He asked, hating the way how his voice sounded so nervous, so tense, because this was _Sokka_ he was talking to, and there was no good reason he should be scared of him. 

Sokka, however, just grinned, and replied calmly "Lead the way, little spitfire." He huffed, shooting back "My name is Zuko." Sokka just laughed, a sugar sweet sound, and draped his arm around him. Zuko kept himself from leaning in, instead walking slowly to the back door, going down his usual path to his room. 

Sokka had come up with the nickname of spitfire only a week after Zuko joined the group in the Western Air Temple. When he, aggravated, asked _why_ he had gotten the cursed name of spitfire, Sokka's only response was that it made sense. ("You know, the whole fire thing!" he had cheerfully said, clapping his hand on Zuko's back. "And you sometimes spit sparks when you're mad") But he had only started calling him "little" in the last couple of months.

Zuko despised the way how that nickname made him feel so damn weak, so weak to him.

* * *

Here's the thing about Sokka.

He was...a character. When Zuko first met him, he thought he was a failure. The kid couldn't bend, couldn't fight, couldn't defend his damn village, and he was weak. Zuko saw him through his usual crude lenses and had deemed him nothing more than a stupid water tribe boy who was standing in the way of his goal; the Avatar.

Zuko was wrong.

Sokka had slowly drawn him in, took him by the hand, led him slowly through all the ways he was wrong. Even on opposite sides of the war, Zuko noticed his growth, noticed how he had changed. The bumbling, weak failure of a boy had turned into a sarcastic, but reliable warrior, loyal to the core of his being. Zuko became...scared by this, scared by how much he had grown in such a short amount of time.

And when Zuko finally realized it was not the Avatar who was on the wrong side of the war, but him, when he finally decided fuck his honor, fuck his father, and took the leap in the hopes to join Aang, he found himself realizing that Sokka had never changed. Sokka had always been who he was. Zuko had just finally opened his eyes to see it.

So maybe Sokka couldn't bend. So maybe Zuko almost always came out the victor in their spars. So maybe he was too skeptical sometimes. So maybe he was immature at times. So maybe Sokka wasn't perfect. Zuko didn't care. He was the crashing of the waves against the sand, the warmth from a campfire, all banter and grins, and Sokka was the closest thing to perfect Zuko had ever known.

The only thing Zuko truly hated about Sokka was how easy he was to fall for.

* * *

Zuko sat down on his satin bed, letting out a drawn sigh. Sokka followed suit, hesitantly sitting next to him to his right, thigh just barely touching Zuko's. "You sound...tired as hell." Sokka started, earning a dry snort from Zuko. "Being the Fire Lord does that." he deadpanned, and Sokka laughed, light and airy. He wrapped his arm around Zuko's shoulder, (spirits, why was he always so touchy?) and turned his head to look into his eyes, expression gentle.

"Well, we're always here to support you, y'know." And Zuko flushed, cheeks growing hot as he nodded slowly. He trusted Sokka. He always did. "I know. It's just..." He coughed, looking to the side, away from his crystal blue eyes. Zuko was too close. He was indulging himself too much.

Sokka seemed to sense his discomfort and pulled his arm away. "Sorry." He said quickly, embarrassed, and Zuko wanted to say no, he shouldn't be sorry, Zuko was the only one who should be sorry, but the words died on his tongue. Sokka continued, casually saying, "And yeah, I get it. Asking for help always feels weird as hell." Zuko only nodded.

They sat there for a bit, avoiding each other's eyes, and then Zuko's eyes were drawn to his window, a light draft blowing through. "It's...pretty tonight." Zuko awkwardly commented, and when he looked at Sokka, he felt his stomach lurch in guilt as Sokka's expression fell, eyes staring at the full moon. _("My first girlfriend turned into the moon." Those words would probably stay in Zuko's memories forever)_

Shit.

Zuko opened his mouth to apologize, but Sokka cut him off, quietly replying, "Yeah, Yue looks beautiful." His expression looked ethereal, as the moonlight lit up his skin, almost looking like he was going to lose himself, and Zuko panicked, heart racing as he gently placed a hand on Sokka's shoulder, so, so gently, like any second now Sokka would shatter.

A mistake, Zuko thought, as Sokka looked at him, eyes round and wide, and Zuko's cheeks ran red. But then, he smiled, bittersweet and beautiful, and softly said, "Thank you," because he knew Zuko, knew how shit he was with words but how much he cared, and spirits, his tone so sincere that Zuko couldn't help himself. He slowly guided Sokka's head to his shoulder, adjusting his arm to wrap around Sokka, holding him close, trying to convey exactly what he felt through that.

Time ticked by.

As Zuko's heartbeat fell into its familiar rhythm that it always did around Sokka, he found himself...wondering something. Slowly, he asked, "Sokka, is there any particular reason you came here tonight?", not exactly able to keep the self-conscious note from his voice. Sokka, of course, noticed this, and he shot back "I mean, I just really missed you, dude." Zuko felt a shiver run down his spine once again at those words, growing tense and wanting to believe him, so, so badly. His lips still stayed sealed.

Slowly, Sokka leaned away, and Zuko absentmindedly trailed a little bit towards him, right before snapping back. Sokka looked...hurt again, eyebrows furrowed and expression searching. "You good?" he asked, concerned. Zuko's mouth ran dry, and he replied a bit too quickly "I'm fine."

Zuko's breath stuttered to a halt when Sokka gently brought a hand up to Zuko's face, stroking his burnt cheek almost like Zuko would shatter if he pressed too hard. Both of their boundaries had come tumbling down a while ago but he had never done anything like...this. "I don't think you are," he murmured, and then added, "Is...is this OK?" And spirits, Zuko could only nod, but he almost screamed, screamed out _yes, yes this is MORE than OK._

Sokka's eyes. They were dipped ice blue, like the crystal icebergs surrounding his home, and yet they shone like twin stars, bright and beautiful. Sokka admitted, "I mean it, Zuko. I missed you a lot. You're my best friend, and you always will be."

Those words brought Zuko back to reality. Best friend. Fuck, he shouldn't indulge so much in his fantasies, they kept consuming him. Sokka was his friend, and always would be. But for Sokka's sake, he nodded, responding with a small "I know."

He would never really understand why Sokka thought of him like that.

* * *

Here's the thing about Zuko.

He was a failure. A liar, a cheat, a fraud, and a disaster. Borne the weaker sibling, the unloved child, he had often spent his days alone, trying to live up to the high expectations Azula always exceeded, always falling short. He had no friends, no celebrations, nothing special about him other than how astronomically pathetic his life was.

He had lost his mother. He had gotten a traitor's mark permanently ingrained onto his face from his own father. He had been banished from the palace he used to call home. He had been sent on an expected-to-be fruitless hunt for someone who had been missing for decades. He had tried to fucking murder a twelve-year-old. He had betrayed his uncle who had been nothing but forgiving to him. He had lost his sister to her insanity. He had lost his father to his own greed. He even ended up breaking up with Mai because he found he could never kiss her without thinking about _him_. Almost everything in Zuko's life had fallen apart right in front of him.

He was made of fire and bitterness, razor-sharp around the edges, tongue made of flames. He left forest fires in his path, his touch turned life to ashes, and he was cursed, evil, unholy, made to burn out. Sokka was never a failure, but Zuko had always been.

But Sokka always believed the contrary.

Zuko wasn't sure what he had done to deserve him. In fact, he was quite convinced he **didn't** deserve him. Didn't deserve the sugar-sweet smiles, the kind words, the comforting touches, none of it. But Sokka was there to stay. He had taken root, right next to him, and he seemed...happy with him.

But Zuko knew it wouldn't last. One day, Sokka would leave. Maybe he'd find out the perverted way Zuko felt about him, or about Zuko's sickening dreams he wished to fulfill with him, and would feel so disgusted he'd just have to go.

Until then, he'd relish these moments to the fullest.

* * *

Sprawled out on the bed, right next to Sokka, Zuko felt more at home than he had felt in a while. They had spent an hour idly chatting, catching up, reminiscing about old times, because who needed sleep when you had someone like Sokka with you?

"And then the otter penguin went up to me and bit me! Like, Tui and La, the utter disrespect from that creature!" Sokka griped, 5 minutes into his rant about the "bull-shittery of the damn penguins" (his words), and Zuko laughed, open and unabashed. "Of course," Zuko retorted, "The mighty water tribe warrior, taken down by a simple penguin."

Sokka faked an offended gasp, whining back "Hey, come on! It bit my ankle, that shit hurt!" He couldn't keep up the act for long, though, finally letting out his giggles. Zuko felt light, untouchable, and like nothing could be better than this, just spending time with Zuko.

He could never have a good moment for long.

When the laughter died down, there was a lull in their conversation, and right as Zuko opened his mouth to tell Sokka a story about one of his guards bringing him a turtleduck as compensation, Sokka said it.

"I think I'm gonna propose to Suki soon."

Zuko felt all of his fantasies, all of his hopes of Sokka one day turning to him and admitting how much he loved him, how much he always had, shatter into glass shards. He froze, nauseous as he listened to Sokka absentmindedly continue, not noticing how tense he had gotten. "I mean! Not immediately, obviously, but I want to do it soon. She just...I don't know, I just love her a lot." Zuko could hear the smile in Sokka's voice, the unbridled affection, and it _hurt. _His chest ached with every word that left Sokka's chapped lips.__

__Zuko faintly registered the fact he should respond, and even to himself, his voice sounded distant as he replied faintly, "You two are...perfect for each other." And it was true. They were perfect together. Suki was kind, independent, strong, a hero, and everything Zuko was not. Sokka deserved her, and Suki deserved him. Really, they were a match made in heaven, so why did he hate it so much? Why did his selfish heart always beat to the same tune, same rhythm?_ _

__Sokka let out a small breath. "Thanks, Zuko. I really hope we are." And Zuko shut his eyes, feeling the remnants of his energy slip out of his body as he absentmindedly replied "I do too." Zuko couldn't even be a good friend, couldn't be happy for him, because he wanted nothing more in his cursed life than _him_. He clenched his fists, digging crescents into his fists. _What a selfish, selfish child.__ _

__"Z-Zuko?!?"_ _

__He opened his eyes. Sokka had pushed himself up back into sitting, looking down at Zuko. Zuko's throat started to tighten, and he forced himself to shakily reply "What?" Sokka stared at him with such a pitying expression, and he quietly said, "You're...crying.", voice cracking just the slightest bit, and fuck, did that make Zuko's chest hurt even more. It felt more akin to being stabbed than anything else. He tried to deny it, stuttering out, "I-I'm not-" right before his throat gave up on him and closed._ _

__Sokka's calloused thumb slowly swiped Zuko's cheek, coming out wet, and, fuck, he was crying, and suddenly he couldn't stop himself. His breath hitched once, teetering on the beginning of the end, right before finally breaking. Zuko sobbed. His chest heaved as the dam broke, tears pouring down his cheeks as everything finally toppled, falling to pieces once again. Strangled noises escaped his mouth, anguished wails, and he hated himself for deluding himself for so long. Sokka was never his. He was delusional._ _

__He barely processed Sokka pulling him up and wrapping his strong arms around him, trying to hold him tight enough to keep him from ripping apart at the seams, a bit too late. Zuko knew he was getting tears on Sokka's water tribe clothes, knew this was going to come someday and he was pathetic, he knew it, but spirits damn him, he didn't care. His vision blurred with his tears, and his shoulders shook like the autumn leaves, as tears ran down his cheeks._ _

__"Sh, sh, sh, it's ok, Zuko...let it out, buddy." Zuko trembled, trembled at the comforting words coming out of Sokka’s mouth even as he didn’t know why he was crying, why he was falling apart in Sokka's arms. But in the moment, he let it be, tears falling down Zuko’s cheeks as his gasping breaths escaped him shakily, grounded only by Sokka's warm arms and muttered comforts. "I'm here, buddy. I'm here."_ _

__And as anguished sobs tore their way out of Zuko’s mouth, he found himself wondering why even as Sokka was right in front of him, he had never felt farther away._ _

**Author's Note:**

> i might write a follow up one shot as a treat that’ll make this whole thing less angsty and give the world the zukka it deserves so if ur interested in that maybe drop a comment! :,0
> 
> ty for reading! <3 hope u have a nice day


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